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I keep writing and deleting and I'm just not quite sure how to express my feelings right now, they are so mixed and jumbled. I'm experiencing another miscarriage and it's just so unfair and sucky(Our 3rd confirmed miscarriage).

I feel so conflicted with my emotions right now and I know that perfect little boy that's fast asleep in the other room has a lot to do with that.

On one hand I'm so heartbroken that I have to take this road again. I told my husband I've already drove down this road and the scenary sucks and I'm not interested in going down it again but it seems to be the way it is and I will travel down it if that's what I have to do but I don't have to be happy about it.

On the other hand I feel like I don't have the right to be so upset and that I'm selfish for these emotions because I have a perfectly healthy happy son and that's more than some women ever get and that I'm so incredibly lucky just to have him. I'm so thankful for him and if he is all I ever have he will be enough.

It's unfair that my sister has been pregnant 3 times and has three sons and is only raising one. She chose to leave her oldest with our parents to let them raise him(before she was pregnant) so she could have her second child and then she left her second child who she was still "trying" to battle CPS for to have her third child.
I have been pregnant four times now and have one child who is everything to me, I would literally do anything for and yet I struggle to have children.

I know I will get past this and I'm already working on that and I know from experience it will get easier everyday.